Archive for the ‘Jokes’ Category

Get out of the car!!

Posted: 02/02/2012 in Jokes, Story
Tags: , , , , , ,

Mistaken Car

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Proofreading is a dying art

 
   

 

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
 
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.  It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!  They put in a correction the next day.

 



I just couldn’t help but sending this along. Too funny.
   
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
 
     
No, really? Ya think?  
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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
 
      Now that’s taking things a bit far!
 
 
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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
 
      What a guy!
   
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Miners Refuse to Work after Death
 
No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so’s!
 
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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant  
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
 
 
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War Dims Hope for Peace
 
I can see where it might have that effect!
 
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If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile  
  Ya think?!
 
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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
 
     Who would have thought!
 
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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain;
Police Suspect Homicide    
They may be on to something!
 
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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
 
     You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?
 
 
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Man Struck By Lightning:
Faces Battery Charge  
    He probably IS the battery charge!
 
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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger
Test Group  
Weren’t they fat enough?!
 
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Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
 
That’s what he gets for eating those beans!
 
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Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
 
      Do they taste like chicken?

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Local   High School
Dropouts Cut in Half  
      Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
 
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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
 
      Boy, are they tall!
 
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And the winner is….
 
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
   
    Did I read that right?
 
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Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh, at least once a day
!

Kids in Church

Posted: 12/27/2009 in Jokes
Tags: , , , , , , ,

3-year-old Reese : ‘Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen..’

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A little boy was overheard praying: ‘Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it. I’m having a real good time like I am.’

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After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, ‘That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.’

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One particular four-year-old prayed, ‘And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.’

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A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, ‘And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?’ One bright little girl replied, ‘Because people are sleeping.’

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A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3 The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. ‘If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.’ Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, ‘ Ryan , you be Jesus !’

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A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand… ‘Daddy, what happened to him?’ the son asked. ‘He died and went to Heaven,’ the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, ‘Did God throw him back down?’

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A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, ‘Would you like to say the blessing?’ ‘I wouldn’t know what to say,’ the girl replied. ‘Just say what you hear Mommy say,’ the wife answered. The = daughter bowed her head and said, ‘Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?’

Common Sense

Posted: 10/24/2009 in Jokes, Story

Sad but true.

 

An Obituary printed in the London Times:

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: 
– Knowing when to come in out of the rain; 
– Why the early bird gets the worm; 
– Life isn’t always fair; 
– and maybe it was my fault. 

Common Sense 
lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. 

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. 

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. 

Common Sense 
lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. 

Common Sense 
took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. 

Common Sense 
finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. 

Common Sense 
was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason. 

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; 
I Know My Rights 
I Want It Now 
Someone Else Is To Blame 
I’m A Victim 

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Praying For The Hunt

Posted: 10/16/2009 in Jokes
Tags: , , ,

The Wednesday night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, “I don’t get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were missing because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer.” One hunter groaned, “Well it worked. They’re all safe.”